I used to truly suck at setting boundaries. I’d spent most of my life working around my mom’s chaotic behavior. I knew how she’d react to any given interaction with me, and I tried to be as compliant as possible while also doing the emotional heavy lifting to maintain our relationship. I felt it was up to me to present information about my life, find moments of connection, and listen to my mom vent.
I kept that up through my early 30s. I’d call every week, sometimes multitasking while running errands so she could go off in my ear as I bought toilet paper. I put my need for emotional depth aside to accommodate how she wanted to show up in the relationship. If I did the work, then I could pretend we were close, or at least close-ish.
But once I realized how much effort it took to maintain our relationship, it was harder to keep up. I still answered the phone, but her 20-minute monologue hurt more than before. Thanks, therapy.
And then, when a friend suggested I block my mom’s number, something I’d never considered before, it clicked: I needed to set some boundaries.
Maybe you’re also dealing with a mom who doesn’t always make you feel great. Enter boundaries, a physical or mental line between what we’re willing to put up with and what we’re not. Setting limits protects our emotions, preserves our individuality, and fends off triggers as we interact or coexist with our moms.
Even if your relationship feels good most of the time, enforcing your rules protects the parts of your bond that you love from the parts you don’t.
It sounds nice, but expressing your needs to your mom can be especially scary. Many of us have long and complex histories with our mothers that are often packed with triggers. If you’re not used to being honest or vulnerable with her about your feelings (or if you have and it’s gone badly in the past), starting now can feel intimidating. Same goes if you’re used to being steamrolled, or if you’ve been taught that it’s “mean” to limit your interactions.
These guardrails can range from super flexible (I’ll answer the phone when I’m free) to rigid (I will not answer the phone after 8 p.m. on a weeknight). They can also include expectations for your relationship, like asking for emotionally mature communication during conflict.
This isn’t about changing your mom, getting her to see your side, or punishing her. Setting these limitations may (hopefully) shift how she shows up in your relationship, but the only thing you can really control is your own behavior.
To set a boundary, you have to identify your current pain points and what limitations would quash them. They also require enforcers, or things you’ll do if your lines are crossed. Without those, the safeguards you put in place are useless. These could be as subtle as ignoring a phone call or as obvious as leaving in the middle of your lunch date.
I’m a health and wellness journalist, and the author of Motherf*cked: How to Keep Your Mother’s Toxic Drama From Ruining Your Life. Below, I’ll help you decipher the best boundaries based on your current relationship with your mom.
What Boundaries Do You Need With Your Mom?
1. Overall, you would describe your relationship with your mom as:
A. Really, really close, but not always in a good way.
B. Draining.
C. Sometimes painful.
D. Mostly good! Unless you get into politics, religion, what you’re eating, your dating life…
2. The last time you talked to your mom…
A. Was five minutes ago.
B. She went on and on for 20 minutes before asking you about yourself.
C. She threw what you said back in your face.
D. She listened to you vent about work and made you feel better.
3. How often do you think about your mom?
A. About as often as she’s blowing up your phone.
B. You ruminate about her more than anything else.
C. It depends on how recently she threw a passive-aggressive dagger your way.
D. Maybe a couple of times a day.
4. What do you enjoy most about your relationship with your mom?
A. She’s always available.
B. This is hard for you to answer.
C. Sometimes her chaos is funny, as long as it’s not directed at you.
D. You can trust her.
5. Is anything currently off limits in your relationship?
A. Nothing is left unshared.
B. Sometimes I decline her calls.
C. I try to keep our conversations surface-level.
D. I avoid certain topics, but she brings them up anyway.
Results
Whatever boundaries below (listed from least to most restrictive) meet your needs, know that you don’t have to tell your mom that you’re drawing a line in the sand to execute it. However, if you want to adjust the way you spend time together, it’s helpful if she knows.
To communicate that, explain the reason you’re putting the boundary in place in a positive light, like to create more independence or to protect the good parts of your relationship. Then describe the boundary you’re setting and what you’ll do if it’s crossed. Lastly, reiterate the positive reason you’re making this change.
Mostly A: Create more independence.
Individuation — a fancy word that describes the process of figuring out who you are, distinct from everyone else — can be really challenging in the context of your relationship with your mom. We’re born to feel close to them, so separating our preferences, beliefs, and actions from theirs isn’t always easy. Not adhering to your mom’s preferred religion, career path, or politics can result in things like eyerolls, verbal assault, or the silent treatment. And because we’re wired to want our moms to love and approve of us, even the quietest yuck to our yum can sting.
Boundaries like the ones below help us find ourselves and maintain individuality, even when we face backlash.
- Limit the number of times you speak to her per week or per month.
- Don’t answer questions about topics you’d rather not discuss.
- Limit how often you ask her for favors or accept money.
- Don’t discuss new developments in your life (like jobs and relationships) until they reach a specific point of your choosing.
Mostly B: Minimize the space your mom takes up in your brain and schedule.
When we let moms walk all over us, we’re more likely to feel depleted and burned out. That leaves us with less energy for our lives outside this relationship. You might be distracted at work, spend date nights venting about your mom, or feel too tired to go out with your friends. You might even delay paying bills because your mom guilted you into buying her a new washing machine.
Ultimately, setting parameters like the ones below enables you to choose where your time, attention, and other resources go.
- Limit how much time you spend talking about her with other people.
- Block or mute her on social media.
- Limit how much time you spend talking to her on the phone.
- Cap how much time you spend with her in person.
- Don’t let her in your home.
- Avoid social events she attends.
Mostly C: Protect yourself from hurtful behavior.
Our moms typically know what sets us off, how we can be convinced to do what they want, and how we’ll respond to certain situations.
As kids, we often find ways to work around caregivers who use this knowledge against us, like shifting how we act around them. These maneuvers help us stay connected to the people we rely on most when we’re young.
As adults, though, we have the opportunity to rework that unhealthy, painful relationship so it functions better for us. Armed with a solid set of guidelines like the ones below, you can engage with your mom in a way that doesn’t desert your emotional needs. Once you set a boundary, commit to enforcing it.
- Designate topics, people, or issues you won’t talk about.
- Make certain parts of your life off-limits when you speak.
- Cap what topics they can vent to you about.
- Choose what you’ll let them borrow or take from you.
- Decide what activities you won’t do with them anymore.
- Don’t participate in events that felt triggering in the past.
- Avoid being alone with them.
Mostly D: Protect the good parts of your relationship.
Even if your relationship with your mom is mostly good, it can feel tense or uncomfortable when you don’t agree on certain topics. But you’re two independent people, and it’s OK to have differing views.
With emotional guardrails in place, you can keep the good and lose the bad. Say you and your mom love to gab about true crime, home decor, and your love life. Yet, you start to lose the plot when she inevitably brings up the fact that you don’t attend her house of worship. All hope is not lost! By telling your mom that you’re not a church person and you don’t want to talk about it anymore, you keep your time together safe. See below for more boundary-setting inspo.
- Decide what triggering topics you won’t discuss.
- Decide when and where you are comfortable meeting with them.
- Don’t allow substance or alcohol use before or during time together.
- Make certain parts of your life off-limits when you interact.
- Ask them to call and get permission before coming over.
